When the good ones leave us

November 18, 2013 by El Inmigrante 4 Comments

(La versión en español estará disponible en los próximos días. Gracias por tu paciencia)

This was a difficult one to write…but here I go…

It has been a year of personal changes, a year of letting go; even so I did not want to, it was about time. During this process, that I am still going through, I have learnt a lot, and most importantly, I have finally seen all the good things around me. I have spent too much time complaining about everything and blaming others for my ‘bad luck’; my favorite one to blame was the country where I am currently living. But all this negative vibe is finally staying behind, and I hope to move forward to better and more positive things.

This year has brought me many blessing in terms of personal growth, but at the same time, it has taken things from me. Some of these things needed to be gone for a long time, like my pessimism about every little thing that has to do with The Netherlands as well as my lack of motivation of being an immigrant. I started to regret all the effort I put into staying in Europe. So the fact that this negativity is slowly making its way out makes me feel good. However, there is one thing that I wish I could get back.

On May 26th, my grandma passed away. It was something I had been expecting the last couple of years; not that I am a cold-hearted granddaughter, but I did the math and her health was not the best lately, so I assumed nature would take its course any time soon. Obviously, I did not want this to happen at all. This amazing woman had always been in my life and she ‘is’ my second mother. She raised me while my parents worked, she cooked for me when I was hungry, she gave me support and warmth whenever I needed, and she gave me a talent, the talent of knitting. I learnt how to knit from my grandmother when I was 6 years old; it was our special connection. Through the years, we developed our own routine, we would go to shops to buy wool, magazines and sticks for our knitting. She would guide me every time I got lost in certain patterns or stitches.

The day I received the news, I was not doing well myself, and it hit me hard, like a huge brick wall. The pain I felt penetrated my heart so fast and sank so deeply, giving me the hardest time to breathe properly. I started crying uncontrollably, and despair took all over me. All I wanted to do was run, but where? to Peru?. The worst feeling I had at that moment, beside the lost of my grandmother, was loneliness. I was all by myself when I read the news and I couldn’t find comfort in anybody, and even if there would have been somebody, that somebody would have not been my grandmother, the one who used to give me warmth and support (I do have to be fair to my partner, who took the day off after I told the news. He gave me all the support he could).

Being away from your family and friends is tough, and moments like this one makes that feeling even worse. Guilt invades you because you know you should be/have been there; you need to give and receive support from your love ones, and most of all, you need to say goodbye. But sadly, when you are abroad, that is not the case; you linger in your room with the last memory you had of that person that is now gone, and you try to hold on to their best moments. Some of us understand the powerlessness of not being able to go home or being with your family at that moment. Therefore, the grieving process cannot be done properly, and it is very probable that you still expect to see that person next time you visit your country. So what to do? How to grieve a love one while abroad?

My way to say goodbye to my grandmother from afar was to ask my mother to put a picture of me in her coffin. Since I wanted to be present at her funeral, but I could not, I felt the immense need to be there somehow. My picture was my way to say ‘Toti (that was her nickname), here I am, I will always be here with you’. I am not sure yet if my mother did it or not, I have to understand that she was also going through a hard time. Whether she did it or not, the idea gave me a bit of closure and inner peace. This is of course my very personal opinion and suggestion. But, if you ever find yourself in this situation and feel the need to do something else, I have found some other suggestions that could help you.

On this article, I found tips given by grief counselor Mertick, she suggests the following:

• Keep in touch with other family members or friends to exchange stories. Secure something—anything, it doesn’t need to be a valuable item—that will remind you of the loved one who died. This object should represent what you remember about the relationship you shared.
• Make a scrapbook of memories including poems, letters or pictures.
• Search for therapy, if possible, or the help of a support group, just to let you know that your feelings are normal.
• When you return on Home Leave, it’s important to visit the grave. If there isn’t one, go to a place that reminds you of the person lost. “This visiting will trigger grief,” she says, “but it’s also a way of creating a conclusion.”

Whether this helps you or not, one thing is clear: when the good and love ones leave us, we are left with an emptiness in our hearts that will probably never be filled again; all we can do is keep the great memories and teachings they left us. Celebrate their lives with a smile and light a candle for them. Share your stories with them to anyone interested, once you try, you will realize that there are people willing to listen to you and your memories. There is always somebody, even here, I am willing to listen to you.

In the meantime, do not waste time, call the ones that are still wandering this world. Send them an e-mail, a text, make a call, anything. Let them know that you are thinking about them.

Grandma in her 20s

Her spirit was unbreakable; she went through a lot in her life, but she always had a smile for you and laughed loudly, like there was no tomorrow. The moment you least expected, she would make a sarcastic comment that would make you laugh nonstop. All her grandchildren called her ‘Toti’ o ‘La Toti’, a nickname given by my brother when he was 2 years old….we still don’t know why or what it means. Her favorite quote was ‘Not everything in life has to be good, because otherwise, it wouldn’t be life.’

R.I.P., Toti